a drinking rant - glass and silicone water bottle
I used to be a bartender in Manhattan.
The practitioner of this wet trade called St.
Patrick's Amateur Night
Standing at the professional union bar by the ditch, vomiting like a brotherhood boy.
I used to believe that a lot of them deserve Irish nails that would be put into their Clover skulls.
I don't feel that anymore. Ex-
Please note that the bartender is allowed to be arrogant about how they handle their waters.
I haven't had a hangover since high school myself.
My first lost weekend ended last Sunday.
Across the United States, ministers shook hands with their parishioners, while poor Bowman sat in a chair with damn monkey music in his head.
He has feathers on his tongue.
Sand paper on his neck.
My editor at The Salon believes that my experience is of educational value to those who plan to cross into the Green River on the San Seon River
Patrick's Day and MacSkunked.
If my words are as amulet, you must first look for land far from Ireland.
Land of Ivan and Niye-Mother Russia.
I'm planning a new novel about Russians in California.
Look, I tell you from professional observation that most citizens of Emerald Island drink like fish, but Irish are little boys compared to Russians.
They are cowards. Puppies.
Comrades I have served can drink you under your desk in the basement.
I know a Cossack who would squeeze a ball in an empty bathtub and inject vodka in an IV.
Now, I'm no stranger to Hodge.
But my sympathy for drinking is in sync with the Irish.
The water of blessing should be mild och color, the color of beer, whisky and Scotch whisky. Or chestnut.
Or liquid mahogany.
But vodka is as clear as water.
How can it taste rich, not to mention good for you. Yes, I drink like a fish, but I am still a virgin when it comes to vodka.
However, if I hadn't experienced this Russian humidity myself, I wouldn't be able to write a novel about the Russians in California.
I have to do this research.
I had the opportunity to learn from novelist Martin Cruz Smith the author of Gorky Park.
"That's how Russians drink vodka," he told me . "
Let me share what he said.
The Irish did not give a flying fig, which was stored on board the blessed water. But Ivan cares.
Smith uses his thumb and pointer to indicate the size required for Russian Glass: it should be a small, cut crystal.
I asked if it should be room temperature or frozen.
He said it's okay.
Speaking of which, Smith said, you should drink vodka with a snack: "sausage or different kinds of kimchi.
"You have to throw your glass back and drink vodka in one breath ---
Then eat something.
"But most importantly," he insisted, "Don't Breathe between drinking and eating.
Because you can't mix oxygen with vodka.
If you can get there right away from here without oxygen, you won't get drunk quickly.
"I didn't ask Smith," What should I do if I am hanged ? "Russian. Un-Irish as well.
But I have a doctor friend in the Netherlands. (Ha!
According to my slang dictionary, a form of drunkenness is called "full of Dutch courage ".
It means gin.
Gin is as clear as vodka.
Gin is the poison invented by the Dutch! )
This saw bone e
Send me the six factors that led to hangover (and I quote): "1)
The guilt of drinking, 2)neuroticism, 3)
Angry when drunk, 4)
Depressed when drunk, 5)
Negative life eventsbeing Irish.
"Well, I have no guilt.
I am not nervous, not angry, not depressed, nor sentimental.
Several of my "negative life events" seem to be negotiable.
Why did I get hanged last Sunday because I was cheated on Saturday night.
Obviously, because I must have been breathing!
Oh, let me tell you that I paid a high price for the breath of this Russian.
There was a serious Richard Thompson song about being offended, "I will regret it in the morning.
"I have nothing but regrets on Sunday morning.
Of course, the situation may be worse.
My wife could have seen me with Smirnoff, but she was out of town.
I spent the night in a wooden chair pulled in front of the VCR.
Who knows how many times Sam pekinpa's "crazy bunch" has been released at night, and I may be in a hurry to drink (and breathing)
Because the vodka tastes mild.
More soda bites here. Ha!
If you know vodka, you know what kind of Russian joke I was having.
In the morning, I ate like candy, and I ate my breath.
I want to make it my friend.
I would like to have the vinegar ammonia to be my wife.
I want the vinegar, the ammonia, to be my Jesus.
But it is neither my friend nor my wife nor my Jesus.
It's just a painful disappointment. -
It didn't stop the monkey from banging my brain like a burger pie.
Then my backpack and I were staggered and filled with six pots of water.
"Guarantee purity ")
On the new 14 th Street Y, I was naked and dragged water into the sauna.
The digital thermometer says 160 degrees.
It seemed hot before I walked in.
It doesn't look so hot when I'm inside.
Big naked man--older than I --
I was lying on a wooden strip complaining that there was no real heat.
I squatted down among them and opened a bottle of water.
One of the naked men left the room fiddling with the thermostat. I sat. It got hotter. I sat and sat.
I drank Aquafina.
The monkey kept beating my brain. "Enough!
Put the burger on the frying pan. Please! I beg you.
"I sat there and started squeezing Russians out of my system.
I added my body with Aquafina, its purity is guaranteed, its purity will heal me and will turn me into an American.
I thought all the sea elephants around me were the souls of Khrushchev.
They are all sweating for my benefit.
This is a massive public wash for Smirnoff.
How long have I been in the sauna, it was a very, very long time.
About 20 minutes.
It was a stupid idea to go to the sauna.
The hot weather is unbearable.
I can't wear clothes because of illness, I can't go swimming because of illness.
I sat naked on the wooden bench.
There is no cure for this hell.
So, I'm going to tell you, what is the benefit of this sorry Russian story.
Tonight, no matter what your drinking plan is, you must believe that you are Irish.
I believe you have an "O" before your last name"-
Even if your last name is Asian or Spanish
By doing so, you can avoid any liquid as clear as H2O.
You have to drink only healthy beers that are the color of dry moss, the same as the blurry color on Siniad O'Connors's delicate Irish crown ---
Or does her lock grow up?
A little farther from the Russian rain.
Only beer, Scotch and whiskey are honey tonight.